The Inconvenient Spousal Arrangement
by potato4
Summary: Rule 1: As to relieve the amount of tension in Grimmauld Place, six houses, flats, etc have been rented & charmed in muggle environments for each couple to reside in And of course, Hermione was paired with Draco. How absolutely fun. SOME MATURE CONTENT.
1. Oh, Shi !

Hello, and welcome to The Inconvenient Spousal Arrangement!

-.-.-.-.

Hermione stepped into the house, turned on the lights, and even she had to turn her nose up at what they saw.

"Flooring. Carpeting. Cabinets. And, ugh, I will not _stand_ for those linens…" Draco Malfoy surveyed the room before him, nose crinkled in a way that made him thoroughly more unattractive than he already was. His broad shoulders were stiffly lifted into the air in a way that suggested uncomfortable distaste.

The woman behind him walked breezily by. "Just the fact you use the word linen makes me even more suspicious about your sexuality."

"Shut up."

"Oh, mature."

"Pretentious."

"Childish."

"Self-absorbed."

"Hypocritical."

"Granger."

She stopped. "How is that an insult?"

"Come now," he scoffed. "I'd be deeply hurt if someone dared call me a Granger."

"Why, you-" she scowled, but didn't continue. "Fine. You know what? You can go out and find us some _linens_, and I'll stay and start looking over the list they left us."

"I can't drive."

"So walk."

"But-"

"Go."

He glared, but didn't argue further. "Fine. And they'll be the most damn gorgeous linens you've ever seen- watch." He started walking to the front door, and she could notice the nervousness in his step as he stepped into the muggle world for the first time, alone.

But then again, she felt no pity.

-And that was the _very_ most enthralling preview the two young adults had of the next six months to follow…-

-.-.-.

Seven hours previously, there were six men and six women seated parallel to each other on a long white table. It was the only clean item of furniture in the entire of Grimmauld Place.

The twelve there were some of the youngest in the entire house, some of the only students who had agreed to stay and fight even after the war. However, the house was crowded, and not every resident exactly enjoyed the company of the others… which led them all to where they were that day.

At the head of the table, Mrs Weasley stood tall, surveying the crowd before her. She cleared her throat.

"Alright. Well, do any of you have a guess as to why you're gathered here right now?"

Silence.

"Come now. Don't make me pick one of you like we're in primary school."

Ginny groaned. "Mum, if this is some intervention or life lesson, can you just get to the point and skip the intro?"

"Oh, like you have a right to be complaining about rambling on," Lavender laughed. "Can we please rewind to two nights ago where you practically read us a novel on how to properly clean the table so your delicate hands don't have to do more work?"

"Shut up," Hermione hissed. Harry threw a hand to her shoulder as if to prevent her from moving.

Mrs Weasley pointed at her. "See? See this? This is _exactly_ why you're all here. Because you twelve, out of the whole lot we have in this godforsaken house, have the most trouble just getting along. The simplest thing. And honestly, the rest of us are quite sick of it all."

"Then why not just let us out of here…?" Draco asked lazily as he drew little circles on the table with his finger.

"Don't be stupid, there's hundreds of Death Eaters just waiting to pounce just outside that door."

"_You're_ allowed to leave," Pansy said, looking at Mrs Weasley.

"I-" Suddenly the door swung open, and in came another familiar face.

"Alright, I think now's an appropriate to intervene," Lupin said, moving to stand next to the plump redhead woman. "The point we're trying to make is that you all think now that Voldemort is vanquished, all is fine, and you can go back to being immature children who are constantly jumping at each other's necks. And that's not how it works, because there are so many others lingering, ready for a chance for revenge."

"Fine. Lupin, we'll try better," Harry said in a tired voice. "Can we go now?" A few of the chairs shuffled to get up.

"No. Sit. We're not done." Lupin pulled a handful of crumpled parchment sheets out of his pocket. "This problem has been brought up before, and you lot have always made the same empty promises. So we have a new idea. I have here all of your names, two on each sheet. We've paired you up, boy and girl, according to who seems to get along with each other least. And for the next six months, you're going to have to work together through an exercise to solve these issues."

"Ahem."

"Umm… no."

"Are you _serious_?"

"Ha, there is no way I'm going to-"

"This is ridiculous-"

"As if I'm-"

"But-"

"No!"

"I won't-"

"SHUT UP!" Lupin's face was now growing red, and his fist was clenched. "You all are pathetic excuses for adults. How old are you? Eighteen? Pathetic…"

Now thoroughly fed up, Mrs Weasley grabbed the sheets of paper and read them off quickly to get the whole ordeal over with. "Luna and Ron. Harry and Pansy. Ginny and Blaise. Parvati and Dean. Lavender and Neville, and-"

By process of elimination, the last two people were very aware of the names coming next. Both faces turned paper white and both heads snapped around just as their fear was painfully confirmed:

"-Draco and Hermione."

And the feelings of everyone in the room were summed up perfectly by Ginny, who spoke only two words: "Oh, shit."

-.-.-.

Over the course of the next hour, Mrs Weasley went over the stipulations of the exercise they would be enduring. Each individual received a sheet of paper with ten rules:

As to relieve the amount of tension (as well as crowding) in Grimmauld Place, six houses, flats, cottages, etc have been rented and charmed in muggle environments for each pair to reside in. Couples may not trade housing, purchase new housing, or change the exterior of their housing in any way.

There will be a situation of residence given to each couple as to why they are living together (roommates, wedded couple, etc.)

Both housing arrangements and situations of residence will be chosen randomly from a bowl. No trading is permitted.

All couples will be allowed to take up to half of their Gringotts currency to purchase anything they will need.

Every week, couples will regroup and disperse as necessary according to battle plans to fight Death Eaters at large. It will be exactly as if you are still at Grimmauld Place, except you will be isolated from everyone but your partner.

There will be an emergency Floo at every house that must be monitored at all times, unless you are absent from the house, in which case every couple will have a cell phone that they must always have access to.

All couples will need to learn how to drive a car, answer the phone, cook a meal, pay with muggle currency, and dress like a muggle. A handbook will be provided.

Magic is strictly forbidden outside of the house. Inside the house, each couple is limited to ten spells TOTAL, NOT EACH, per day. This is to prevent duels and suspicious activity.

This exercise is aimed to build relationships, not deteriorate them further. Please behave accordingly.

Any rejection of said rules will result in extreme punishment as well as bathroom duty for a year.

Out of all the rules, the most uproar probably occurred over number eight.

"No magic," Draco hissed. "Impossible."

"Not none, just a limited amount," Hermione corrected. "You'll live."

"But ten _silencio's_ won't shut you up for long enough to get rid of the headache I get whenever I'm around you."

"Why, I ought to just-"

"Alright, let's pick housing!" Mrs Weasley said shrilly to stop them. "One by one, now. Ladies will pick housing and men will pick situations of residence."

Luna went first, and got a one-story house in the suburbs. Pansy picked a small flat in the city. Ginny and Lavender pulled neighboring farms in a rural hillside far north. Parvati got lucky, with a mansion in a wealthy neighborhood. And of course, Hermione chose last, and ended up with a small cottage-house by the sea.

"The ocean smells bad," was all Draco had to say on the matter.

Then the boys lined up for situations of residence. Ron and Luna were siblings living together in their late mother's house because of financial problems. Harry and Pansy were acting as a young couple attending a nearby university. Dean was a wealthy entrepreneur and Parvati was acting as his live-in help. Ginny, Blaise, Lavender, and Neville were all raising crops and animals to escape from the busy city life, and as an added bonus, Ginny and Blaise had twin children.

Last again, Draco pulled the final sheet of paper and read it slowly: "Engaged couple expecting a child."

"Um, excuse me?" Hermione practically cried. "Is the pregnancy necessary?"

Mrs Weasley shrugged. "It's to help with the bonding."

"Well, how exactly are we supposed to fake that?"

She waved her off. "Details. We'll get to it later. For now, you have three hours to pack and do whatever you need, and then we leave."

"There's a portkey set up for each of you and your locations," Lupin continued. "You'll find a sheet with each other's phone numbers and a list of necessary things to complete in the kitchen. And… that's pretty much it. You're free to go."

The twelve divided into their separate directions, with their cliques as usual- Harry, Ron, and Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Neville, and Dean, Parvati, Lavender, and Pansy, and Draco and Blaise.

When the original trio reached their room, Hermione was raging. "I cannot believe this. Sure I argue, anyone can and will debate on the occasion they're insulted- it's self defense!- but I'm not throwing pots and pans, so why am I being punished?" She conjured a trunk and threw some jeans into it.

"I'm going to be in a relationship to Pansy!" Harry groaned. "I have equal rights to complain."

"You're not PREGNANT," Hermione nearly screamed. "And if they think I'm letting his revolting penis anywhere near me to achieve a fetus, they're insane."

Ron looked ready to puke. "Hermione, we were in a relationship for a year and a half. Please, no Malfoy-sex-talk."

"I want to discuss it just as much as you do."

Harry zipped up his suitcase, which barely contained anything. "You know what I hate? The fact they didn't even warn us. It's so… spur of the moment."

"And if it's so dangerous out there, then why are we living alone?" Ron asked. "It's… senseless."

Hermione sighed, and buried her hands into her tangled waves of hair. "Well, they always disguise us when we go out. I suppose we'll just have a permanent change."

Two hours of disgruntled packing and complaining later, all twelve were back downstairs. No one and nothing was to be seen, except for a long line of small bottles and six portkeys. Each portkey had two bottles in front of it reading "Drink Me!"

"Oh, it's like Alice in Wonderland," Hermione said softly as she rolled the small vial in her palm.

"Who's that?" Draco asked. He popped the lid off of his and sniffed it. "Nasty scent, this has."

"You don't know Alice in Wonderland?" she shook her head. "Of course."

"Well, cheers, Granger. Here's to our happy married life," he said, and drank the contents of the bottle. She did the same, and her mouth twisted at the foul taste.

There was a mirror across the room, and there was a collective gasp in the room as everyone drank their bottle.

It was Draco first. His slicked back hair grew longer and ended in wisps across his face. Several strands became dirty blonde, and his normally gray eyes turned a brilliant blue. His pale skin tanned, and he grew two inches.

"Holy shit," Lavender said. "You look… hot?"

Before Draco could respond to her comment, Lavender herself underwent a change. Her hair turned blonde and pin-straight. Her mouth became thinner and freckles began to dot her face as if a toddler was poking her with a marker.

Harry lost his glasses, and Ginny's hair became a pixie cut. Ron shrunk nearly five inches and became more muscular, and Neville transformed into a redhead. Dean got a new nose, and Parvati's smile became larger.

Hermione was the only one who seemingly hadn't changed yet. "I don't think it's worked," she said in a frustrated voice.

"No, it has," Ginny said gently, lifting Hermione's hair. It had become slightly lighter and now fell in neat waves. Nothing gorgeous, but definitely an improvement.

"That's hardly a change! What if they notice me still?" She scrunched her face into several expressions, trying to find a difference. "Look, even the same slightly crooked smile."

Harry shrugged. "Listen, we probably have to go. Knowing Mrs Weasley, they probably expire soon. She wants us out of here as soon as possible."

Hermione took a look at Ron and Harry one last time, and with an encouraging nod from them both, she turned to face her newlywed. "Let's go?"

He didn't meet her eyes. "Let's go."

She extended a delicate and placed a few fingers on the stuffed teddy bear with their names in front of it. And there it was, that tug on her bellybutton, and they were both spiraling through the air to an unknown house that was going to be called theirs.

-.-.-.

They landed in a dusty pile in front of a small house. It was easily two stories, but it taller than it was wide. The sides were lined with odd rocks that didn't match whatsoever. There were a few flowers in the front that rocked back and forth in the strong sea breeze.

Hermione struggled to get up, and Draco merely watched and she stumbled and dragged her trunk to the front doorstep. "Thank you," she said with a nasty fake smile.

"No problem." Draco turned to face the ocean, which was just a five minute walk from their house. It was approaching sunset and it was gorgeous from where they were standing. He frowned. "See, it smells disgusting, doesn't it?"

"Well I suppose everything seems revolting from a viewpoint like yours," Hermione said. "It smells salty, calming almost. Can't you just enjoy it for God's sake?"

"Who's that?"

"What? God is… He's… how do I…. never mind. I don't know."

The now-dirty-blond man jerked at the doorknob and opened their new house slowly. "Well don't discuss things you're ignorant about, darling."

"That's hypocritical, considering the amount of times I've heard you and Blaise talking about sex," Hermione said sweetly, and pat him on the shoulder. "Don't discuss things you're ignorant about, darling."

And with that, she stepped into the house, switched on the lights, and now even Hermione couldn't help but turn her nose up at what they saw.

-.-.-.

A/N: Aaaaand that brings us back to where we started, at the beginning. Sorry, first chapters will always be rather boring, but I promise *hope* it'll get better. Hehe.

No offense to all FF writers, but a lot of stories on here are absolute crap. I'm really hoping this isn't one of them, so PLEASE tell me if it's bad. PLEASE. Pleasepleaseplease. I absolutely love criticism, so give it to me! xD

Ideas welcomed, flames ignored, compliments appreciated, criticism wanted.

Love, Potato

PS- **Shoutout for chapter names!** Every chapter will be unnamed, and you all can comment with a good title. If I choose yours, you'll get a shoutout x) I like creative, clever ones.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N- So first I had to study for finals, and then I had to take finals, and then I got rather severe writer's block, and then ¼ of this document got deleted, and then I had to rewrite it, and then I had to edit. That is why this chapter is so late. Sorry if the editing is poor, I did it quickly!

Also, rating change info below!

-.-.-.

Chapter Two

Despite purposefully forcing two livid enemies to reside together in a confined area for an extended period of time, Mrs Weasley and Lupin seemingly believed that leaving a single sticky note was all the consolation needed for such a jarring punishment.

And as Hermione read the sticky note, she found that it actually offered no consolation whatsoever:

_Here are your phones. Use them wisely. You have one free phone call every day to anyone who isn't your partner or an emergency contact. All people considered emergency contacts are listed on the list on the fridge. _

Below the note Hermione was scanning over were two new tablet phones. "At least they aren't Nokias," she murmured, laughing to herself at her bad joke.

It was late and Draco had been gone a whole hour, presumably throwing a temper tantrum at some department store.

In the absence of any company or purpose, Hermione decided to explore the house. The kitchen was cute and small, but effective. The family room was a bit larger, with a few seats and a TV from the 90's. Two long, dreary drapes covered the windows, and Hermione decided to open them to let light in.

And there was a face plastered against the glass.

"AHH!" She flung her hands and jumped backwards in shock.

The face didn't move, just broke into a smile. "Hey, there!" came the muffled greeting.

Hermione grabbed her heart and took a deep breath. "Who-_are_-you?" She said each word with emphasis so he could hear her through the glass.

The man in the window, who looked as if was in his mid-thirties, darted his eyes back and forth as though examining her living space. "Your neighbor, of course!"

Hermione was much too concerned with the revelation of her new neighbor's insanity to notice that her fiancée had returned home. So she just about passed out when she heard a scream from _behind_ her as well.

"Who is that?" Draco shouted, and pushed Hermione aside. He pulled out his wand and pointed it at the window décor.

"I'm Paul," he said simply. "Your neighbor!"

Hermione promptly stood from where Draco had shoved her and smacked the stick from his hand. She gave him a threatening look and he quavered. Then she turned back to Paul and spoke shakily. "Well, why don't you come to the front door, not the… _window_."

"Yeah, stop acting like a right pervert…" Draco murmured.

Not even three seconds later, their doorbell rang.

"Well, you get it," Draco said. "I don't want to let him in."

Hermione rolled her eyes and opened the door, only to see a bright pink miniature flamingo. "Um… Paul?"

Paul peeked from around the corner. "It's your housewarming gift."

"I- ah, I don' t know if we can accept this."

"Shh," Paul said slowly, a finger pressed against his lips. "I have to go." With that, he ran away.

Draco came over and picked up the flamingo, perplexed. "There are so many things wrong with this situation."

"Oh, it's fine… everyone has those batty neighbors." Hermione defended weakly.

"He had his face practically pasted to our window!"

"Don't be mean."

"Don't be nice."

"What? That doesn't even make sen—"

"Oh, just shut up and hang the new curtains." Draco tossed a bulging plastic bag at her.

She looked at him disgustedly. "No." She threw it back.

"Yes." Toss.

"No." Toss.

"Yes." Throw.

"No." Hurl.

"YES!" He sneered. "You should know that all you're good for is cooking, cleaning, and chores anyway. And sex, I suppose. Except even _I_ wouldn't get near that."

A muffled noise came from outside: "Oh, _hell_ to the no."

Hermione flung her hands up in distress. "Paul! Go _away_!" Then she turned to the dirty blond and stepped up to his torso, still presenting a frightening sight despite being nearly a foot shorter than he. "And _you_. You will hang your own damn curtains and I'll be going to bed, because I am useful for a whole lot more than a vagina, although it seems all you'll ever be is a _dick_."

Draco, slightly impressed but mostly furious, stood limply as Hermione stormed upstairs.

Paul coughed back a laugh. "Burn."

-.-.-.

The next morning, Hermione woke with a hand on her face. And she promptly screamed.

The body beside her shook. "Merlin, are you going to do that every day? Because I don't want to have to buy ear plugs too."

"Why are you in my bed?"

"_Our_ bed, sweetheart." Draco was laying just half a foot away, shirtless and smirking.

Tired from the previous day's events, Hermione hadn't paid attention to the king sized bed she had dropped dead asleep in. "We're sharing a bed?" she asked weakly.

"Mhm."

"No."

He laughed. "I believe we are. Think positive- the body warmth will save us on the heating bill."

"Move. No. We're not doing this." Hermione jumped out of bed and threw on a sweater and sweats. "Come on, we've got to get beds. We're going shopping."

Ten minutes later, they were out in the cold, crisp salty morning air. Both were sitting in the smooth leather seats of their new car. Hermione had just finished introducing the wheel and brakes. "So, this is the rearview mirror." She pointed outside the window.

"Speaking of rear views, I got a nice one of yours last night." He winked. "Not that it was too impressive."

She groaned. "Oh, Lord…"

"Lord?"

"Never mind. Let's just get going. The sooner we leave, the sooner we'll be done. I'll teach you to drive later."

"Where are we going?"

"I don't know, in case you weren't aware, I've never lived here. We're going to drive until we find something." They started down a dirt road, and eventually it met asphalt, then they crossed some small shops in a quaint little town center. As they progressed, they saw cattle and horses, and acres-long stretches of farmland.

After half an hour, Hermione stopped the car. "Where did you even _go_ yesterday, for those sheets?"

Draco shrugged. "This shop. If you left the house on the left, the road would've led to a suburban area right behind those tall trees. But for some reason, you went right."

Hermione rested her forehead on her fingers. "And… you've know that the _whole_ time we've been driving?"

"Yep."

"…fuck you."

Draco laughed, but Hermione would be the amused one forty-five minutes later when she pulled up in front of a huge building.

"Where are we?" he asked.

She smiled at the great blue sign before her. "Draco, dear, welcome to Bed, Bath, and Beyond."

-.-.-.

"It smells like hell."

"What does hell smell like?"

His nose wrinkled as he sniffed. "Cinnamon pinecones."

The store was large- white walls lined with shelves that seemed to go on forever. "We have to get a bed first. I can squeeze into a twin, we'll order that, and we have to find a mattress in the meantime."

"You're going to sleep on the floor?"

"Better than with you."

Draco shrugged. "You smelled, anyway."

"I despise you."

Suddenly, there was a large presence behind the two of them. "Uh-oh, what'd you do to get the old wife angry, eh?" A very big man with a tag reading "Al" grinned down at them.

"Ah…" said Draco. "We aren't-"

"Not…"

"Not married."

Hermione's eyes darted to Draco's. "Married, _no_."

"Definitely."

"_Definitely_ not married. Engaged- at least for now."

"Ouch," said Al. "You've gotten her riled up for sure. Anyway, can I help you two out today?"

"Sure, I guess. We just moved in and we're looking for the basics, you know- glasses, soap dispensers, towels, maybe lampshades," Hermione said.

"Well, the bathroom supply is right around this corner," Al led them to a section of the store painted a shade of soft lavender. There was a vast display of colorful bottles. "Here you are! The towels are straight to the right and dispensers are below. I'll be around if you need any more help- just ask." And he left.

Hermione studied the plastic bottles. "So, what scent do you want your hands to come in?"

Draco frowned at a pink label. "What does 'Enchanted Midnight Dust' even _smell_ like?"

"Probably something like Lockhart."

Draco snickered, and put the bottle back on the shelf.

Hermione settled for "Strawberry Bliss" and they proceeded to towels.

"Look, these are on sale," she said, and grabbed three plain white ones.

Draco fingered the fabric. "Um… no."

"Why not?"

"Darling, I'm aware that you lack… how should I put this politely…. external genitalia? But you must know that such coarse fabric rubs in all the wrong ways."

"ALRIGHT." Hermione covered her ears. "We'll get the softer ones!"

The rest of the trip proceeded in this way: Hermione wanted a shower curtain with a farm print, and Draco said he didn't like being reminded of dinner before bed, it made him hungry. Hermione wanted some green lampshades, to which Draco announced that his feces were once that color when he ate too much asparagus in the third grade. But Hermione stayed calm, and didn't reach her breaking point when she was looking at a black and red mottled vase.

"What about this? It's rather pretty." She held it up for him to see.

Draco curled his upper lip. "As if I need _another_ reminder of dirty blood in my house."

He knew it was a mistake the moment he said it. Hermione's mouth fell open a little and her eyebrows narrowed. She moved almost as if she was going to throw the vase at him but instead she let it slip through her fingers and into the cart.

She turned her back on him and began to push the shopping cart towards the checkout lane, not speaking another word.

Ten minutes later, Draco left the store with his head down and found that Hermione was the only one in the dim, lonely parking lot. The passenger seat was occupied by three bulging plastic bags, so he hesitantly took a seat in the back. "Why did you wait for me?"

She strapped in her seat belt. "You couldn't have walked home alone. It's getting dark."

Draco didn't thank her, didn't say anything at all. Hermione turned the keys and off they left on a fifteen-minute silent drive home.

When they arrived, Draco sped up the stairs and to the front door, leaving Hermione struggling to drag her mattress into the house.

They spent the rest of the evening avoiding each other. As they were getting ready for bed, Hermione stopped by Draco's room and offered him a short "Goodnight." He nodded back. Then she left to the guest room, which contained just the mattress she had purchased along with a couch pillow and a blanket. On the floor were a few books and a change of clothes for the morning.

Just as he was settling in for the night, Draco heard some noise coming from Hermione's room. He crept down the hall and peered through the cracked door. She was sitting on her bare mattress, slightly bent over, and her long, wavy hair was covering her face. He couldn't tell if she was crying or not. There was a pad of paper in her lap and a pen in her hand.

He didn't know if he should intervene or not, and his pride had a short fight with obligation. In the end, pride conquered, and he left her in the empty room to sleep alone.

-.-.-.-.

The next morning, Draco awoke to the smell of bacon and freshly-squeezed orange juice. He stumbled out of bed and was checking his hair the in the hallways mirror when he bumped into an incoming Hermione.

"Oh! I'm sorry," he said while straightening himself.

"It's fine." He looked her up and down, she was wearing a slightly stained sweatshirt with a polka-dot apron over it. Her hair was pulled into a loose bun. "I made breakfast for two…"

"You did?" He was surprised considering what had occurred the previous night.

"…and then I invited Paul and his wife Cindy over to share it with me." She finished with a slightly evil-for-Hermione grin.

Draco's face dissolved into mortification. "Wha-_what_?"

She pointed her hand to the dining room. "They're waiting for you out there. And there's even better news- Cindy says she's looking for help at the candy and pastry shop she owns, and since we have no other way of receiving income, I said you'd accept!"

_Oh Merlin help me_, Draco thought to himself as he struggled to keep his hands pinned to his side as to ensure he wouldn't strangle the woman in front of him, _it's only been two days. _

_-.-.-.-.-.-._

A/N- So I'm not sure if you noticed or not, but I changed the rating of this story from T to M. This is because of language, and some minor (possibly major) suggestiveness that will later occur. There will be no blatant sex or anything of that manner. I hope that you continue reading and that this rating change doesn't scare you away!

_So, review with what you think the name of this chapter should be!_ Winners for last chapter were **Comix and Co** and **FreakyElla, **who both had the same idea for the chapter name. GO CHECK OUT THEIR STORIES GO GO GO GO GO :)

Also, review questions are back! I did this with my very first fic, and I miss the interaction I got with my readers. So here's my first one: **What is a good television show?** I'm looking for one I can catch up on over summer because nothing good is on.

(Also, if you have an instagram, follow me! I'm missmadelineme [fun account] and people_and_things [serious photographs account] If you leave a comment I'll follow back)

Love always,

Potato 3


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